You know those chain mails that go round where they have 20 questions to answer and then you send it on to the world? No? Well you must be a youngster brought up on social media then, because back in the day that was how we amused ourselves on a slow Friday afternoon in the office. The questions still appear now and again, not too long ago my Facebook feed was swallowed whole by such things.
In order to never have to do any again, I’ve decided to collect them all together and answer them in one massive go. Enjoy.
- When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
I just stepped out to lunch. Aside from getting a chicken and sweetcorn baguette from an attractive lady who stamps a bit of card with a smiley face every time I go in, I got duck poo on my trousers and thought heavily about whether I really can moan when compared to the plight of the Third World. turns out I can, and will, moan about the plight of the Etherfiend. Where’s my fucking charity handouts? - Did you dream last night?
I’m pretty sure last night was real. - Do you remember your dreams?
The dreams in my sleep are often like my dreams for my life: profound, slightly disturbing and quickly forgotten or replaced - When did you last laugh?
Hopefully my last laugh is a way off yet. I anticipate it will be as all of Earthkind is burnt to dust by nuclear war started by a humble guard that happens to drop his sandwich onto the launch button. I also had a few chuckles on XboxLive last night. - Do you remember why / at what?
People dying. Well, spartans to be more accurate. Future ones. Ones in Halo: Reach. No persons living or dead were actually laughed at, hurt or de-flowered in the making of my merriment. - What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Padding. Lots of padding. - Seen anything weird lately?
Yeah, I thought we were under attack from Betelgeuse star destroyers a couple of weeks ago, turns out they were Chinese lanterns. Seriously, who puts a bloody great bonfire under a balloon and lets it drift off into the night? I also saw a baby eat its own face, but that might have been a dream. - What do you think of this quiz?
I don’t think its actually a quiz. I’m the only one playing and there doesn’t appear to be a prize. Unless that prize is knowledge about me and everyone wins? - What is the last film you saw?
Going the distance. Drew Barrymore is finally beginning to look like she’s ageing which tells me that I am getting old and probably in much the same state. It was actually a pretty good film. - If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
In the world you say, probably in the Andes. not too far in that I couldn’t trek to the shops but far enough in that I wouldn’t get bothered by miners or land-people. The question probably meant anywhere ‘on’ the world which would be much more accurate, unless you do actually live in a cave. - If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A third penis. - Tell me something about you that most people don’t know.
I often lie about the number of penises I have - If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I would eradicate humanity. - Do you like to dance?
I do, with tears in my eyes. Never in public unless I’m drunk and never anything gay, like salsa. - Would you ever consider living abroad?
A broad’s life is not for me. Too much groinal chaffage. - Does your name make any interesting anagrams?
Clitoral Stuns. And I totally do. Unfortunately it also has Scrotal Insult. I’ve had my fair share of those too. - Who made the last incoming call on your phone?
It was a family member. Oh that was dull. Let’s say it was Captain Kirk on a mission from the future enquiring about Tribbles. - What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
The plans to a large, but unfinished, spacestation. A second iteration I believe. I have to pass it on to someone called Akbar or something. - Last time you swam in a pool?
Spain 2007 - Type of music you like most?
Music of awesome origin. - Type of music you dislike most?
Anything that is spoken rather than sung. Anything with auto-tuning to excess. Rap, hip-hop, urban, country and western, most chart acts since 2003. - Are you listening to music right now?
No, but I’m possibly about to face it - What color is your bedroom carpet?
That depends, are you colour-blind? Actually I don’t have a carpet, the previous owners saw fit to put in really stupidly slippery and cold laminate. Yay them. I guess its fake wood colour. - If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?
Remove all traces of laminate floor. I’d also turn it into an underground lair in the sky. No-one would think to look for it there. - What was the last thing you bought?
A baguette from hot baguette lady. She gives me smiley stamps and when I get ten I get a free baguette. Maybe chronic diarrhoea too. - Have you ever ridden on a motorbike?
Not that I can recall. I dislike all motorised bikes unless its those ones from Tron. - Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Only if it would save my life or I would be very rich afterwards. - Do you have a garden?
No, but I do have an enchanting patch of nature-ridden dirt - Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
Yes, of course. They are:
Oh Etherville! God save Etherfiend, even though, technically, he is a god of sorts already and so can look after himself, and stuff.
Oh Etherville! Give us this day our daily vodka and forgive us all vegetable consumption as we forgive those that eat vegetables in front of us.
Oh Etherville! 24, 42, 48 Jabba the hut, hut!
Oh Etherville! Bored now, song is over! Etherville rules and will destroy your puny planet before the end of this sentence, should it so choose to do so! - What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
Has someone put a mind-controlling beetle into my ear while I slept? - If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?
I think Isla Fisher would go well with a nice curry - Who sent the last text message you received?
Lucy W. She is going to Australia soon, probably. Good luck to her too. - Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
If that meant I could never afford to buy anything ever again then probably Tescos and I’d spend heavily in the tinned goods area. See how long you last trying to eat your PS3 or Sony TV’s, fools. - What time is bed time?
A harrowing time if you’re tied down and a strange man is whipping your face with his winky. - Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
I’ve been in them all. I won £20 the last time thanks to a community chest card. - How many tattoos do you have?
One. A tiny mis-understanding between my knee and Michael Briscoe’s HB pencil back in Primary school. That little grey mark never goes. - If you don’t have any, have you ever thought of getting one?
Thought about it, then realised they are a medium amount of gay and far too common. I can respect tribal tattoos like Maori, and am often in awe of them, but the name of your kid in calligraphy or a language you don’t speak across your ageing, flabby arse? No thanks. - What did you do for your last birthday?
I ate a Lego Pirate birthday cake and drank vodka. - Do you carry a donor card?
I do, should I be gravely wounded I will allow a member of my close family to get me a donor kebab before I pass on. - Is the glass half empty or half full?
Either way it needs filling with more vodka. - What’s the farthest-away place you’ve been?
It’s a secret and I’d have to liquefy you if you knew. On Earth, New Zealand. - When’s the last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
I have no idea. - Have you ever won a trophy?
I don’t think I have. Plenty of certificates, but never a trophy. That’s rather depressing. Thanks for bringing that up. - Are you a good cook?
I try to do as little evil as possible whilst cooking, mainly due to the concentration required in not burning things. - If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be?
The first homo-sapien; and kill it. - Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school?
Yes, although it was the only school in the area that allowed you to wear the skin of someone bested in PE - Do you touch-type?
I think touching is a pre-requisite for any typing. - What’s under your bed?
The remnants of a squadron of angels sent to quell my dreams, a lot of dust and a small emerging race of mutant dust-mites. - Do you believe in love at first sight?
Lust, perhaps, hot fiery lust, but not love. - Think fast, what do you like right now?
Vodka - Where were you on Valentine’s day?
Starting my current job, then staying in to avoid the commercialisation of what should be a spontaneous and surprising gesture. - What time do you get up?
7.20am, then again at 7.45am - What was the name of your first pet?
There is no human translation suitable, if I were to utter it in the mother tongue of the fiends then your head would cave in before simultaneously exploding - Who is the second to last person to call you?
Why the interest in my calling patterns, I’m not happy with my current provider but neither can I be bothered to switch. - What do you think about the most?
My hatred of humans vs the want of companionship - If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people?
Either 286 microseconds or I would keep it secret. - Who would you tell first?
Mum-Ra - What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema?
I think it was the A-Team - Do you sing in the shower?
I do sometimes, yes. - What do you do most when you are bored?
Bite my nails, eat, sit and stare into space - What do you do for a living?
I fight against the constant darkness. Also, sometimes, I am a website editor and even rarer occasions in my free time a website creator. - Do you love your job?
I wouldn’t shag it if that’s what you mean. - What did you want to be when you grew up?
A multitude of things. I wanted to be the leader of a race of unique transforming robots, yes I was after Optimus Prime’s job. I also flirted with being a lawyer, an archaeologist (wish I had done that now), or computer games programmer. - If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be?
Gamer. - Which came first the chicken or the egg?
All chickens come from eggs so ‘the chicken’ in question came from an egg. Which evolutionary step came first? Eggs. Why? Because dinosaurs, and other stuff came from eggs too, a long time before chickens ever existed. I don’t see why its so hard a question for people to answer. - How many keys on your key ring?
Enough for a key between each finger as a crude knuckle-duster for when I am caught without my laser rifle or detachable second penisblade - Where would you retire to?
I hear The Sun is warm and cosy for us old folk that feel the cold. - What kind of car do you drive?
A metal one that relies on diesel for fuel. The crazy scientist that sold me a flying DeLorian that runs on banana skins told me never to reveal the existence of such a car. - What are your best physical features?
My eyelashes…of course I’m fucking kidding. - What are your best characteristics?
I never lie, I have four penises, I like kittens, I never wear pink. - If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?
I’ve always fancied Australia, me vs nature vs modern weapons. - What kind of books do you like to read?
Ones made of paper - Where would you want to retire to?
A moonbase - What is your favorite time of the day?
Gametime - Where did you grow up?
The Berkshire wilds, discovered by a pack of wandering shrews I was soon passed on to a set of badgers who taught me to eat with my mouth closed. It was after both parents were roadkill that I decided to take on the shape of a human and seek revenge. I can’t wait to see the monster truck roll over the soft squishy human bodies. - How far away from your birthplace do you live now?
Many light-years - What are you reading now?
These infernal questions. You? - Are you a morning person or a night owl?
I am a moaning person and that isn’t some poor play on the French accent. I gave up being a night owl as it was playing havoc with my stupid human neck. - Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
Only if I detach it and I don’t want to do that again. - Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows?
Of course. If you can’t I think you’d best call a doctor, you have motor skill issues. Seriously. - Do you have pets?
Until recently, it did not agree with my digestion system! - How many rings before you answer the phone?
Rings? You must mean how many seconds of my favourite MP3, we’re in the future now. Still lolling @ rings. You make me laugh. - What is your best childhood memory?
Not finishing the egg and spoon race, then stealing the prize from the winner but he was knackered so I was able to escape. I think we all know who the real winner was and he had first-place chocolate all over his face too. - What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life?
Web Editor, checkout operator, cleaner, marketing executive, love god, space fighter pilot, technical support. There are many. - Any new and exciting things that you would like to share?
Other than unannounced bowel movements my life doesn’t tend to get new and exciting. That’s a scientific fact. - What is most important in life?
The ability to purchase and drink vodka at any time of the day - What Inspires You?
Not capitalising every first letter of a word in a sentence, that’s for sure. - Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
I go for half and half. I’m glad you asked. As it is mirrored I hide enough of it to stop mirror monsters, like Candyman, from getting in and a gap for cupboard monsters to get out of but nothing too big for me to handle. Yeah, I am not just an incredibly handsome face. - Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
Yep, and the box they’re in too, yes, that’s right, the bathroom - Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Sheets? We use a Duvet now people. There is no tuckage, I need freedom to get freaky. - Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
Maybe…but sign-skanking is not a joke. Many ducks were possibly hurt as a result of our teenage tomfoolery. Allegedly. - Do you like to use post-it notes?
More than sex. In both frequency and level of enjoyment. - Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
Bear every time, unless I was near a lake, then bees. - Do you have freckles?
I have indeed been cursed with the lesser spotted ginger strain of DNA somewhere in my genes and I will have my revenge. - Do you always smile for pictures?
Only on the outside as another piece of my soul gets stripped away. - What is your biggest pet peeve?
Peadophiles. - Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
Naturally, how else you navigate the traps laden amongst the pathway to work in the morning? It’s far more effective than security tags at keeping people out. - Have you ever peed in the woods?
Why yes I have. - What about pooped in the woods?
No, well not yet anyway. If that event comes to pass it may be the sign that I’ve hit wood bottom…oh bad pun. - Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?
That’s the best time to dance, why get constrained by ‘The Man’ imposing his overbearing beats and melodies upon us? - Do you chew your pens and pencils?
Yes, I can’t help myself. If you ever wanted to kill me then a bit of poison on a pen given as a gift would be the way to do it. - How many people have you slept with this week?
That knew and agreed to it? none, including myself. - What size is your bed?
Overlord. - What is your Song of the week?
“Empty Walls” by Serj Tankian - Is it ok for guys to wear pink ?
Only if you hanker for some man love. I do not. - Do you still watch cartoons?
If quality programming like the original Transformers, Thundercats, etc then yes. If you mean bullshit like Spongedick RoundTrousers then no. - What’s your least favorite movie?
Which of my favourite (note the proper spelling there my US chums) movies do I like the least? The Goonies. But its still a classic. - Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
In a galaxy far, far away. - What do you drink with dinner?
Vodka and coke. Pint of. - What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Another, larger chicken nugget? Also ketchup is acceptable. - What is your favorite food?
A full roast chicken dinner with yorkshires, roasties, peas, gravy and bread sauce. - What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Anchorman, Wedding Singer, Fifth Element, Talladega Nights to name but a few. - Last person you kissed/kissed you?
With tongues? A blind date over a year ago. I’m so alone!! - Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
Both. - Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
Not unless I underwent the knife and became something I’m not. - When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Christmas 1987, it was a death threat to Father Christmas regarding the lack of battery life in my brother’s hand-held pacman game - Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Awful English, but no I have not. I’m going too fast for the thing to register. - Ran out of gas?
No, I pay my ludicrously expensive gas bills. - Favorite kind of sandwich?
Lesbians just turning bi-curious. Yes, I am the filling. - Best thing to eat for breakfast?
See above. Eww that’s crass. I’m going to have to be truthful and say man crotch. Kidding, its Weetabix. Can’t go wrong with Weetabix. - What is your usual bedtime?
When the witch knocks three times upon my skull - Are you lazy?
I’m wicked and I’m lazy. - When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
Your mum. Oh oh, sick burn. No, Halloween is total balls, I thought so even as a kid. Stupid commercialisation. - What is your Chinese astrological sign?
Scorpio? Peking duck? I have no idea. - How many languages can you speak?
3 if you include a smattering of French and lolcat. I can haz langwedge degreez? - Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
No, they have the internet now you know! - Are you stubborn?
No that’s not me, I’m Etherfiend!. - Ever watch soap operas?
Once after expecting it to be a stunning rendition of Le Nozzi di Figaro in a bubble bath or female prison shower. Never again. - Afraid of heights?
Almost as much as they are afraid of me. I do get vertigo though, a result of spending 3 months of my gestation period in zero-gravity. - Sing in the car?
I love to sing in the car, very badly and very badly, but only when alone. - Dance in the shower?
That is a negatory due to potential slippage and breaking my beautiful face. - Dance in the car?
You can’t go too crazy, but there is room for some jiggage. - Ever used a gun?
Argh the flashbacks! So much blood! - Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
Stalingrad, 1942. - Is Christmas stressful?
More than it should be. All I want is to sit in and drink myself to a state of consciousness never before known to mankind. Is that such a crime?! - Ever eat a pierogi?
Is that an Italian pigeon or something? I don’t think so. - Favorite type of fruit pie?
Apple, obviously. - Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
A ghostbuster, Optimus Prime…hey I think I did this already… - Do you believe in ghosts?
I wish I didn’t but I do. - Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
Only when there is a glitch in the Matrix. - Take a vitamin daily?
No need, I have vodka. - Wear slippers?
I wear slippers and when walking on laminate flooring I realise why they were called such. - Wear a bath robe?
Yes, and I look damned fine in it too. The local shopkeeper has since banned me until I at least agree to wear pants too. That wind does gust sometimes! - What do you wear to bed?
The skin of a recently deceased celebrity. Kidding. Your mum. Still kidding. God I’m hilarious. - First concert?
Pet Shop Boys, Birmingham. I was 16 years old and too young to know better. No, wait, back then they were cool. I stand by them. - Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Sunflower seeds didn’t have Snoopy so epic fail there. - Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
You know I don’t speak Spanish, in English please. I think translated it means whale’s vagina. - Ever take dance lessons?
Roller dance lessons. I stand by them, some of the most fun I ever had, until they made me do set-pattern dance which was too boring to stick with. - Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
Is sex slave to my every need a valid career choice? - Can you curl your tongue?
I can curl yours. - Ever won a spelling bee?
No, the best I ever managed from those dodgy carnies was a dyslexic bee. Still better than any wasp. - Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Yes but I was in backwards world at the time. Unless you mean tears of laughter rather than the physical act of crying like a little girl, in which case yes, but in this reality. - Own any record albums?
I’m afraid not, no vinyl in my house. - Own a record player?
I have no stereo equipment save the TV. Sarcastic violin mimes welcome.. - Regularly burn incense?
No. But I do burn incandescently when lit. - Ever been in love?
I have and I hope to be again, one day. For the moment though I just curse everyone that has found love and happiness. - Who would you like to see in concert?
Prodigy or Pendulum. Straight up. - What was the last concert you saw?
I actually can’t remember, that’s depressing. I’m not much of a gigger though, I detest potentially getting covered in wee from projectiles thrown around, something that seems to have become the rage recently. I also don’t like the cost of alcohol, the fact they often sound nothing like the CD (that’s MP3 to the youngsters) and that I have to pay through my nose to have to stand (even though its seated) because everyone feels the need to jig or think that by standing somehow they can see better or something. Concerts just piss me off in general. - Hot tea or cold tea?
Hot tea, then if attacked by surprise you have a tasty victory beverage and a weapon to take out their eyes. - Tea or coffee?
Tea. Coffee is a waste of good land that could be used to grow cocoa beans. - Sugar or snickerdoodles?
Snickerdoodles, WTF? Sugar. Would you trust something called snickerdoodles? It’s too cute. Probably cyanide. - Can you swim well?
Well enough not to drown. - Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
I can indeed. Jealous? - Are you patient?
Just fucking get on with it, I grow weary of this. - DJ or band, at a wedding?
A good band would be pretty awesome. I was in no way influenced by The Wedding Singer. - Ever won a contest?
Yes, but never anything life-changing. The only contest I really want to win is the lottery. I’d also take first prize in any contest that would crown me Ruler of all the known Universe. Kneel beforeZodEtherfiend! - Best room for a fireplace?
One not made of wood and paper. - Do you want to get married?
I’m uncertain. Not unless its ‘the one’ and we can remake the Matrix as we see fit. - Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
All the time, I did it at the deli counter in Tesco’s yesterday until I got an extra slice of ham thrown in for free. - Do you have kids?
No, kids are mostly evil. And sticky. If I do have them it’ll be purely for organ backups or black market cash. - Do you want kids?
I can’t think of anything more cruel than bringing a life (that didn’t necessarily agree to it in the first place) into this world. Perhaps if we lived in a different time or I was rich then it’d be different but right now the world is too fucked up and we are too much like slaves to ever be a place I’d want to be responsible for bringing something too. Ask me again after the revolution, or if the condom split… - What’s your favourite colour?
Blue. No Green, no WAAAAAAAAAAH! *thrown of the Bridge of Death into the Gorge of Eternal Peril* - Do you miss anyone right now?
Yes. Next shot I’ll account for the wind though, it’ll all be over soon. - What do you want from your life?
Money, booze and the perfect woman. I’d also take the complete annihilation of Earth by marauding space monkeys. Is it too much to ask? - Did you have a childhood that was happy, or was it one you do not want to talk about?
When I was let out of the cage I enjoyed my 3 minutes of whittling wood per day. - What parts of the world would you like to visit for a vacation?
The bits with the least humans living there. - What do you enjoy doing on your days off?
Playing computer games and wondering what the fuck life is all about. I’m fairly sure it isn’t 42. - Are you an active person or a sedimentary one?
Sedimentary? Like a rock? neither, I’m a potato person. - What kind of activities do you enjoy participating in?
Nuclear war, drinking heavily, moaning, playing computer games, drawing stick men, eating curry, doing nothing - Which activities do you dislike doing and hope you never have to do again?
Your mum? Sorry, I’ll stop that now. I dislike going to work. Paying the tax that goes straight to work-shy benefit scroungers, immigrants or if I’m lucky, off to a foreign country because they had a natural disaster. I’m not in the least bit bitter nor dis-illusioned with the world. - Are you one of those people that doesn’t like chocolate?
No I’m one of those people that doesn’t like the tone implied in that question. - Is there anything that you are truly scared of?
Getting paralysed and not being able to end my own life. Also falling into the hole of a Polo. No, not the car. - Where are you currently employed and what is your job description.
My ‘official role’ as a web editor or the Scourge of the Universe one I’m not supposed to tell anyone about. - Did one of your teachers have a profound effect on your life? If so who was it?
Yes, he taught me a hug after rough sex makes it all okay. God bless you Mr Huffers. I shouldn’t have to but in this day and age I am required to point out that those events clearly never happened. I was never hugged afterwards. - Do you believe in always telling the truth?
For the most part I try to be truthful. The question is was that statement a lie? - Are you a private person or do you openly share your life with people around you?
Private, the general public doesn’t tend to like nudity and fat-flaps in its face. - Do you enjoy going shopping? If so what type of things do you enjoy buying?
I hate shopping. I hate the people with the loud kids running amok, I hate the old people that are too slow. I hate the indecisive shoppers, the ones that need to squeeze every item, even the tins. I hate the attitude at the checkout, the queues, the wonky wheeled trollies, the way the security looks at you as you leave with your trolley full of stuff but as though you hadn’t paid for any of it. That is the main reason I love the internet. I can shop with impunity and even better I don’t have to leave the house. - What genre of music do you enjoy dancing to?
Anything with a decent beat that doesn’t have some guy trying to make every sentence rhyme. I also detest the lack of pronunciation in most modern songs. I blame Lilly Allen for that tidal wave of earache inducing drivel. - What type of weather do you enjoy the the most?
Thunder and lightning, although that’s probably more of an event than a weather type. - Are there any sports that you participate in on a regular basis?
Computer games. That’s a sport now, right? - What is the most delicious food that you have ever put in your mouth?
Roast chicken. - What part of town do you live in? Do you like living there?
The cramped modern housing estate. I do not. Luckily I have my secret underground bunker in the sky as backup but can’t permanently live there yet until the decorators have finished. - Do you like hugging people when you meat them or are you uncomfortable doing this?
If I’m ‘meating’ someone then its either a sexual thing and hugging is likely to be expected or its a brutal attack likely to involve lots of blood and that’d stain my clothes, so no. If you meant ‘meet’ then I like hugging but am often too uncomfortable to enjoy the moment. If everyone around would avert their eyes and the person requiring the hug would just fucking say ‘hug me please’ it’d be so much easier. - Do you have any health problems that you are struggling with, which you don’t mind talking about?
Nothing proven, but I have my suspicions. - Do you like ice cream? If so what flavor is your favorite?
There are people that don’t? Mint choc chip. - Have you ever had your heart broken in a relationship?
Yes and my own fault too. Yay me. - Are you opposed to marriage?
Not at all but I don’t think it means what it once did. I blame globalisation and the ability to meet thousands more people than we used to be able to. The winner in any divorce should be a battle to the death, I bet people would think twice before being unfaithful. - Are you a spiritual or religious person or do you have a problem with all those beliefs?
I’m not religious but I have to believe there is something bigger than the human race somewhere otherwise thats the most depressing thing ever. Oh. I do find religion a hilarious concept though, especially the extent to which people will blindly follow and fight for it. Idiots. - Are you available?
Very much so. What are you thinking? Movie? Sex? - What’s your favourite number?
8 - Are you happy with your life right now?
Oh yes everything’s fucking peachy. Just like the last 20 years. Ask me again when I’m a millionaire. - Favorite smell?
Vanilla essence, especially on a lady. - How do you make money?
I imagine its a complicated process otherwise we’d all be loaded. - Are you outgoing?
No, very much incoming. - Do you like Big Mac’s?
Only without the horrible gerkin sauce. I’d happily swap it for yet another burger. - Do you own big sunglasses?
I don’t own any sunglasses but the overly large sunglasses are very amusing. I know its the fashion but I don’t think you realise just how retarded you look wearing them. Seriously. - Did you ever want to be a doctor?
Until I realised it’d mean touching very old people and other men. If there was a clinic for hot 20-35yr old females only then sign me up as doctor right now. - Did you ever receive an engagement ring?
No. You probably should have sent it recorded delivery. - Did you ever want to be a fire fighter?
Yes, I did for a while but I just ended up with burnt knuckles. - Do you love anyone?
Love is such a subjective word… - Do you like roller coasters?
Yes, if they aren’t too scary. - Does your home have a bookcase?
It does and its full of DVDs - Have you ever been to Canada?
No, but I’d like to one day I think. - Have you ever gone fishing?
No, its too dull. So dull it’d be a waste of energy to rant about why it’s pointless. - Have you ever seen a celebrity?
Yes, they’re on the TV all the time! - Have you ever been on a motorcycle?
I don’t think so, I certainly wouldn’t now. Evil machines, they do things to the drivers mind that makes them think they are above the usual rules of the road and an imaginary third lane appears between all cars. They’ll be third against the wall when the revolution comes. - Have you ever been to any tropical islands?
No, but I did have a can of Lilt once so I know what they taste like. - Have you ever been to america?
Yes, very briefly. - Have you ever been to mexico?
No, seriously is this going to be asked for every country in the world? - Have you ever been to france?
Unfortunately so. I love how you don’t capitalise the country names. - How much money do you have on you right now?
£13.73 - How many cars have you owned?
At once? 1. Overall? 8 - How many jobs have you had?
Too many to count. - Last person you hung out with?
The family Cox. - Last thing you said out loud?
Balls. - Last thing you bought?
A bullet for each of you. I jest. - Does your crush like you back?
Not in that way I’m afraid. As is always the way of things. - What goes best with a soft drink?
Vodka - What did you do two nights ago?
For fear of revealing my true purpose here on Earth I shall have to avoid answering that one. - When is your next party?
Tonight, in my mouth. Its a vodka party btw, nothing at all related to the party in my pants that no-one ever RSVPs to. - Where were you at 3:02 AM this morning?
Not out raping small woodland creatures. - What was the first thing you thought this morning?
Actually this morning awoke with a start, just one sentence from a dream I cannot remember was all that remained. It freaked me out a bit actually and that is what I pondered. Any other day it’d be “fuck, still here then.” - What do you dislike at the moment?
Everything? - What did you dream last night?
I can’t remember, but it ended with a sinister whisper that woke me immediately. - How many piercings/tattoos do you have?
None, not really my thing. Soon the time will come around when not having a tattoo will be cool. - Do you care what people think about you?
Usually, rather sadly. I wish I didn’t. It’d make things so much easier. - Last new person you met?
I presume you don’t mean like strangers at the supermarket and someone you were specifically supposed to meet? In that case it was one of the Gaming Lives crew. - Did you work today?
Technically, I am right now. Shhh. - What do you smell like right now?
Morning tea breath and cheap deoderant. - Do you like ketchup?
A worryingly amount. - Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I seriously doubt such an event will come to pass ever again. - Does it annoy you when someone says they’ll call but dont?
Almost as much as someone who is late. They soon learn the lesson when their entrails are wrapped around their throat. - What are your future financial plans?
Get rich or die trying, biatch. Haha, no seriously its winning the lottery or saving enough to afford jetting to Swizterland for a quick shot of nembutal. - What is your mayor goal in life?
I don’t have any mayoral aspirations, its overlord or nothing. - What is your favorite book?
Still, after all these years, The Lord of the Rings trilogy - How would you describe yourself in 3 words?
Fat, lazy, awesome - What are your mayor flaws?
Learn to re-read, n00b. - Who is your hero?
Father Jack Hackett. - What would be your questions to ask on a first date?
Would you like to get quite drunk and have sex tonight? With me? - Do have any type of bad habit?
No, I only keep the good nuns – much higher ransom. - What is your point of view of the world?
It’s an infected place of beauty and much as mother nature tries, she cannot cure the cancer that is man. - What are your priorities on a first date?
Alcohol, sex, apologise for the quality of the first two. - How would you describe the perfect life?
It’d mostly be me, a detatched house (so the TV/surround sound volume matters not), one of every gaming console, a giant fuck off tv and enough money never to worry about cash ever again. - What country would you choose for a honeymoon? Why?
New Zealand, because it is something special. - How do you spend time with your family?
Shackled in the corner and if lucky fed the scraps of the previous meal. - Do you have any enemies? Why?
They are numerous but they will fall. A lot of it harks back to the time I pissed off a bunch of midget ninjas, they really hold a grudge. I mean really. - What have been the most important decisions in your life?
Mostly the ones I regret making.
Phew! All done. Now you know everything.